MI(L)D LIFE

Bouncing between Jesus, Ram, Buddha, and a handful of mortal demons, my eyes, once welded shut, have only just begun to open. It started with Jordan Peterson, Dave Ramsey, and Ravi Zacharias (well, at least his words contributed). The time I spent listening to these people in 2018-19 was pivotal. Then came Ramani Durvasula, Joe Rogan, and more recently, Gabor Maté, Steven Bartlett, and Tom Bilyeu. The next big breakthrough for me came through Tim Fletcher; it really shook things up. It's a numbing realization that I’ve died a billion times before. Starting my 44th year not drinking, with a big paunch, on a decent career path but completely empty inside, I’ve come to accept that one day this will all end, and the wheels of the world will keep churning. Haunted by esoteric nightmares I attempt to interpret, irked by the unshared fears of those responsible for my existence, exasperated at my inability to touch anyone's soul—not even my own—I know one day it’ll all come to an end. Perhaps just before it does, there’ll be an epiphany, and the unknown and unknowable will reveal itself. For stepping into the 45th, it's intermittent fasting, skipping rope/squats, swimming, hangs/pullups and occasional light resistance training. For now, it’s about reveling in the renewed strength. For now, it's about feeling upbeat in some moments and continuing to dance nonchalantly even when I'm deadbeat—it's still a beat. For now, it's about letting the subconscious resurface on the rare occasion and staring into the mirror it shows me. For now, it's about conversing with those I haven’t seen or spoken to in ages without them hearing or seeing me; for now, it's about touching someone without them sensing it. For now, it’s about waking up to epiphanies and endeavoring to trace the truth as shadows gradually merge into one another. For now, it’s about taking one on the chin like a man. For now, it’s about delivering the pain back to you with no malice. One day, it'll all make perfect sense; for now, let’s play, mate—show me what you got!

On The Flip Side

This mattress was sagging under my weight, especially since I liked sitting on, resting my back and drinking tea or just working endlessly on the laptop. It was very comfortable to sit on it and work but due to this, for sleeping, the activity it was intended for, it became much less so. To address this, I tried putting the electric blanket on it. Not to heat it but to use its slightly hard and matted surface to ease out the spot that had sagged in under the weight of my bottoms. This was of some help but I was not happy about it, so I put a thick sheet on top and it became even better. Then one day I thought that I had had enough discomfort, so I flipped the mattress over. It was quite a task as it was quite heavy. I liked what I found; the underside was taut and hard. The first night was painful though. Those metal runners, while that gave it a rigid base we incredibly uncomfortable to sleep on. Especially so for me as I am a tummy sleeper and have a habit of losing the pillow as my sleep progresses. Those metal runners would hurt my face enough to disturb me throughout the night. The next day I put the electric blanket on it but if gave little respite and I slept like that for a few days till I thought I could make it a bit more comfortable. So I put the thick sheet on it and it became a more bearable. Then one day I crashed on the other bed in the adjoining room and I could not believe the comfort level I experienced on it. This was a bed whose mattress I thought was way worse than the one I slept on. I was even considering disposing it off! So the following day I flipped my mattress over, put the electric blanket and thick sheet and voila!...after days of discomfort, I slept like a baby on the very same arrangement that I could not sleep comfortably on at the start of it all.

Anniversary

 13 years ago, this day I started my PhD. Met Dr Matloob Husain, who had dinner with us. He was here at a symposium at The University of Auckland. It was a great conversation we all had before I dropped him back to Copthorne Hotel almost past 11:00pm. 

Too young

Was ecstatic to return home tired and have my 3 year old tell me “daddy you’re doing a good job”.
Perhaps he’s too young to know what he’s saying; never heard my dad ever say that.  

For Saul we pray

Tonight, the praying was intense and thinking of the persecution happening everywhere there was a revelation.
Tonight’s revelation: Though I haven’t read it anywhere but would I doubt that there were many praying for Saul to be Paul than for Saul to drop dead.

Change?

Global warming? Do we even understand what stats we’re looking at. We’re destroying the forests at an alarming rate around the world, especially where there are no stringent regulations to save the forest, which is most of the underdeveloped and developing world.

We love the fuel hungry sports cars. The MotoGP is big, I love it too but I wonder if I should. When a normal car puts around 4.75 metric tons of CO₂ in the atmosphere annually, how much do other fuel hungry power vehicles put out? Then there’re companies like Volkswagen, who have actively tried to cheat the emission norms but got caught. All car manufacturers have been using loopholes in the environment protection acts around the world.

• On an average, one regular car pumps out 4,800 Kgs of CO2 per year into the environment

• On An average, one tree can take out around 5 kgs of CO2 per year from the environment

Why do they have to spend so much on advertising and on making every effort to make that box on wheels more luxurious to make you feel like kings and queens. Why does Coke have to spend so much on advertising? Does drinking it make you any better? Isn’t it leading to a huge amount of health issues around the world? Where are we gonna stop? When are we gonna stop? There have to be better alternatives. Tesla, get something here for the common man. Now you also have to think about where your electricity is coming from. Much of it is from thermal powerstations that burn coal, now someone send the stats for how much a thermal power station of a certain capacity pump out what amount of CO₂ in the air. We’ve all been imprisoned for good.

खैर...शायद

अब हुआ यूँ कि मैंने एक ऐसा  अवसर खो  दिया  है (शायद) जिसका मुझे ज़िंदगीभर अफ़सोस रहेगा। अब हुआ यूँ कि मैंने एक फोटोग्राफी कार्यशाला में अर्ज़ी डाली थी। मैंने ३ तसवीरें अपलोड की और उनके विवरण भी लिखे।  मुझे जान्ने वाले लगभग सभी लोग जानते है कि मुझे फोटोग्राफी का कितना शौक है, बल्कि यु कहिये कि शोक ही नहीं, तस्वीरे लेना तो मेरे व्यक्तित्व का अविभाज्य अंष है।

अजीब बात है और मैं फोटोग्रापफी के बारे में बहुत ही विस्तार से भाषण दे सकता हूं परंतु जब बात एक विख्यात फोटोग्राफर ने मुझे फ़ोन करके मुझ  से बात की तो यूँ कहिये कि मैं सकपका सा गया और बेवकूफी से बड़बड़ा कर सब गुड़ गोबर कर दिया।  और तो छोड़िये साहब, मै तो यह भी न बता पाया कि इस कार्यशाला में जाने का मुझ पर कितना बड़ा जूनून था।   शायद यह इसलिए हुआ क्योंकि फ़ोन जब आया तो मेँ अपनी लैब-मीटिंग की तैयारी कर रहा था और फ़ोन आते ही मैं अपने विचारों का संतुलन सा खो बैठा। इसके आलावा फ़ोन का सिगनल भी ठीक नहीं था और आवाज़ बार बार कट रही थी । और बात यह भी है कि मैंने उम्मीद भी नहीं की थी कि स्वः श्रीमान प्रसेणजीत यादव का ही फ़ोन आ जायेगा। 

खैर कारण जो भी रहा हो, श्री प्रसेणजीत यादव, जो एक विख्यात फोटोग्राफर हैं , को मुझसे बात कर  के शायद लगा होगा कि मैं फोटोग्राफी एवं विज्ञान संचार को ले के खास उत्साहित हूँ ।  काफी अफ़सोस हो रहा है पर जो हुआ सो हुआ, शायद मुझे मौका मिल ही जाए और मुझे वह चुन ही लें।  खैर, अगर न भी लें तो यह ख्याल मुझे सिर्फ रात को सोते हुए ही सताएगा क्योंकि बाक़ी के दिन में तो समय होता नहीं।  

गरमा गरम करारे करारे

हिंदी मे टाइप करने का अपना ही मज़ा है। हालाँकि मैंने पढ़ाई शुरू से अंग्रेज़ी माध्यम के स्कूल में की, मैं बचपन मे बातचीत केवल हिंदी मे ही करता था। इसके विपरीत, लिखना मुझे अंग्रेज़ी मे पसंद था और आसान भी लगता था। 

मेरी बोली में  उर्दू के ल्फ्ज़ो का इस्तेमाल भी काफ़ी रहता था। इस बात से अनजान तब तक था जब तक ६-टी कक्षा में मेरी हिंदी की अध्यापिका, जिन्का नाम श्रिमती बलजीत-काहलों था, ने मुझसे पूछा कि क्या मेरे धर में कोई उर्दू का प्रयोग करता है। 

बलजीत मैडम भयंकर डिग्री की कड़क महिला थी, और मैं उतनी ही भयंकर डिग्री का डरपोक। उनकी पूछताछ पर पहले तो मुझे साँप सूंघ गया। अब तक, मैं उनके हाँथों बहुत से विद्यार्थियों के गाल गरम होते देख चुका था। हालाँकि में अब तक उन्की नज़रों में नहीं आया था,  मैंने मान लिया कि अब, गालों की गरमाइश मिलने का मेरा नंमबर आ गया था। बलजीत मैडम को आत्म-विश्वासी, परीश्रमी और हँसमुख बच्चे पसंद और मैं इनमें से कुछ भी न था। शायद मैं बचा रहा क्यूँकि मैं हद से ज़्यादा शरीफ़ था। मैडम के सवाल पूछने पर मैं सकपका के गिड़गिड़ाने लगा कि नहीं मेरे घर में कोई उर्दू नहीं बोलता। दरअसल इस तथ्य से मैं ख़ुद वाक़िफ़ नहीं था। उन्होंने मुझे प्यार से समझाया कि अगर ऐसा है भी तो इसमें कोई हर्ज नहीं और मैं उन्हें यह बात बता सकता हूँ, पर मुझे तो ख़ुद यह बात पता नहीं थी और मुझे यह लगा कि यह बात बुलवा कर मैडम मुझ ही से यह बुलवाना चाह रही हैं कि मेरी हिंदी कमज़ोर है। मैं गिड़गिड़ाता गया कि नहीं ऐसा कुछ भी नहीं था और मैं उर्दू बिलकुल नहीं जानता था।

मुझे समझ नहीं आ रही थी कि वह परेशान सी क्यूँ लग रही थी, पर मैं ज़्यादा जानना भी नहीं चाहता था। मैं तो सिर्फ़ वहाँ से दिवाली के रॉकेट की तरह फररर से उढ़ जाना चाहता था। ख़ैर  मैडम नें मुझे जाने दिया, पर अपने इस विचित्र व्यवहार से मैं बड़ी कुशलता से मैडम की नज़रों का कंकड़ बन बैठा। यह मानो कि शेरनी के आगे मैंने यह जता दिया कि मैं हिरण हूँ। 

अब तक तो कक्षा में मैं बलजीत मैडम के रडार में अदृश्य था, पर अफ़सोस कि इस वाक़िये के बाद ऐसा नहीं रहा। इस से पहले उन्होंने मुझे ऐसी बहुत सी ग़लतियों के लिये माफ़ कर दिया था जिंनके लिये वह कई बच्चों के ३-४ जड़ देती थी। पर अब ऐसा नहीं रहा; मिसेज़ बलजीत काहलों ने दो पलों मे अपने दिल की गहराइयों मे कड़े शब्दों मे मेरा चरित्र-चित्रण गोद दिया था। फिर वह दिन भी आ गया जिसका मुझे ज़रा भी इंतज़ार ना था। ग़लती तो याद नहीं पर मैडम काहलों की हथेली का मेरे गालों से मिलन हो ही गया। 

हिंदी मे निबंध, या कुछ भी लिखना मुझे कभी पसंद न था, पर iPhone के हिंदी कीबोर्ड के मिल जाने पर सब बदल गया। 

Supermoon

 Sonny wasn't sleeping tonight because of the intense light coming in through the window. We'd not seen such intensity before and when I drew the curtains aside we were surprised to see that it was actually moonlight. I just saw this information on FB that tonight we'll see the supermoon. The last supermoon was in 1948, so my dad would've been three years old then. Our nation had entered the second year of its independence. I'm glad I saw this phenomenon tonight and took pictures, which I'll share with my son when he grows up. Meanwhile, I guess I'll just step outside to bask in the moonlight, the next supermoon will be seen on 25th November, 2034, I will be 54 years old, Jeremiah will be 19 and dad will be around 90

Talent

I just learnt that the word "talent" in olden times meant weight of ~35 kgs.
I see that its modern usage makes sense. Then I read on some financial website that you may be talented but that doesn't necessarily make you rich, rather there're a lot of talented people that are poor.
I'm talking with the man in the mirror.

Bobolo

Bobo turned 2 this May

My wife wanted a dog after we'd watched almost all the episodes of The Dog Whisperer. I was reluctant but agreed. Bobo was our child when we got him home at the age of 45 days. I spent much of my stay at home wiping his pee from the house floor but the lad was good with poop, he'd let us know at such a tender age and didn't poop inside the house.

Bobo's was our child; every morning, wife would walk him and then keep him on my chest when they returned. She was obnoxiously sentimental about him. But then came a time when she started to frequent her parent's home, so she took Bobo with her in the car as Bobo was too young to be kept alone in the house. Her folks despise dogs so Bobo was locked out in the cemented backyard through the day. I reckon that that's the time when the disconnect spawned between her and Bobo. Initially, she despaired that she had to leave him alone, outside but later she turned on him, thinking of him as the problem to begin with. Gradually she withdrew from him.

Bobo was our child till we had our own. After that he was an unwanted creature, shunned away and considered a pest with a potential to create noise and cause disease. We shifted 4 houses in 3 cities in just about 8 months. We were tired, suffering insomnia, belligerent towards each other and lost. Bobo receded into a shell. When I began to realize this, I took was up in arms. All it did was turn the house into us vs them! Bobo had grown big and strong. Too strong for me to handle as I was growing physically weaker and stressed. Bobo yearned for company and love and sought it from people coming to the house, jumping on them, going out of control and making me lose temper and hit him. Bobo become my punching bag. I just couldn't control him any other way. I sprained my back innumerable times trying to stop him, he's just too strong. Only when I get really aggressive does he stop.

Bobo's arsenal 

Bobo was our child. But I realize that he's also a dog and yearns for the company of his own. He's a handsome lad but his kind hate him. He whines when he sees stray dogs and yelps and whines and pulls to reach out to them; they snarl and growl in return. There've been times we've been attacked but I've stood my ground and drove them away. I almost got bitten once. Bobo isn't scared, he never runs away, nor does he tuck his tail. He just doesn't understand what's happening and why they bark and snarl at him. His response is to run towards them anyway. Little does he know that without my protection, he'll get killed. The worse was when we (wife, child, Bobo and I) went out a bit far from home for a walk late night. Before we knew it, we were surrounded by ~15-20 stray dog, all aggressively attempting to attack Bobo. Good I was carrying a baton. I asked wifey to take sonny and walk away from us. Then Bobo and I inched back home, we were escorted to the house all the way. Despite all the dangers outside the house, we celebrated when he recently lifted his leg to pee outside and marked his territory for the first time.

At times I lie down with him on the floor with him, like I did the day our child was born and I'd come home to rest for some time. But Bobo has nightmares! He cries in his sleep and I have to comfort him. However there are times I just have to push him out of the room when wifey snaps into a rage about his nightmare-whines waking our kid up. Bobo is still my child and I'm learning to change myself.  All because I love him way too much and the thought of something happening to him gives me nightmares as well. I still can't walk him, he's too energetic and every time I take him out, I pull my back. I'm trying to get back in shape to be able to take him out without injuring myself but with the present schedules, I'm still trying to figure out how. I've gained 8 kgs in less than 6 months and physically, I'm at my weakest ever.

Bobo is most gentle with our child and lets him play with him, even if he is harsh with him but he only gently licks back. But our baby is gradually learning to love him and wants to share everything with Bobo. But we still have to watch out for the times he's excited and sprints or jumps around, when he does that, he's injured me a couple of times, let alone the potential injury that can be caused to a toddler. But Bobo still is conscious around the baby most of the times. We love you Bobolo, just wait for sometime, I'm doing all I can to take care of all your needs as a dog but till then and forever, you'll be in my heart.

Deux

Bobo turned two today. He's such a loving creature.
I only pray that he has a long and a good life with us.
I'm worried for him. What happened to Cheeku is etched in my memory. I understand that people change once their puppy grows up.
 I can understand dogs, they're simple, I can't understand people though!

(ईं)-धनि नज़रें

अपने घर में मैं अकेला हूँ जिसे अधेड़ उम्र में भी चश्मा नहीं लगा है। शायद इसका कारण यह है कि मैंने ज़िंदग़ी मैं पढ़ाई काफ़ी कम की है। पर जितना मैं टीवी का दिवाना रहा हंँू उस हिसाब से तो मुझे लगभग अंधा हो जाना चाहिये था। ख़ैर, यह मान लेते है कि मैं इस मामले में किस्मत वाला रहा हूँ। पर आज बुरा हुआ। केनी से गाड़ी में पैट्रोल डालते हुए केनी ज़रा फिसल गई और अनु के पैरों मे पैट्रोल जा गिरा। कोना का मुँह चौड़ा था तो तेल भी काफ़ी गिरा। हड़बड़ाहट मे मैंने केनी ज़ोर से अपनी तरफ़ खींची तो ढेरों सा पैट्रोल सीधा मेरे मुँह पर आ गिरा। उस ही पल मुझे ऐसा लगा मानों किसी ने सारे चेहेरे पर आग लगा दी हो। जलन ऐसी हुइ कि मैं दर्द से कहराता हुआ नल की ओर भागा। आँखें तो लग रहा था की अब कुछ देर की ही मेहमान है, वह बुरी तरह जल रही थी। नल पर पहुँचते ही मैं एक और ग़लती कर बैठा और वह यह कि मैंने चुल्लु में पानी भरा और मुँह पर छिड़क दिया। यह ग़लती इस लिये थी कि मेरे हाथों मैं भी ढेर सारा पैट्रोल गिरा हुआ था। जलन बेहद बुरी थी। सासु माँ भागती हुइ आइ और मेरे चेहरे् पर पानी का भारी भरकम छिड़काव करने लगी। क़रीब २० मिनट पानी के बहाव के नीचे अपना मुँह रखने के बाद मैं ज़रा सी आँखें खोल पाया पर फिर भी जलन ज़बरदस्त हो रही थी, आँखें तो अलग, सारा चेहेरा जल रहा था। इस बीच भूकंप भी अा धमका और सब जगह earthquake-earthquake का शोर मंच गया पर मुझे इसका ज़रा भी इल्म न हुआ। फिर घरवालों नें चेहेेरे पे बर्फ़ की पट्टियाँ की। फिर चेहेरे पे जलने कि क्रीम लगाइ तो ज़रा आराम आया। पर इस छोटे हादसे को हुए ६-७ घंटे बीत चुके है पर आँखें अब भी जल रही हैं।

jaggu

Dr Jagpreet Singh Nanda, HEADSHOT waale, God bless you.

I could've made that crap for less but tomorrow is another day

 Hey when I eat food outside, I should be pleasantly surprised. That's the least I expect when I'm out eating at a place where a sandwich costs around 300 rupees.

 While the sandwich at Garlic And Greens was nice, the strawberry-banana smoothie was a downer.  Especially that I got to see how the guy was making it. I took a verka curd box (costs 10 rupees), threw in a banana (5 rupees) added some sugar and a bit of strawberry flavor, blended the thing and served it. Damn! the curd was not even fresh and was a bit sour. How much does Garlic And Greens charge me for that crap? 145 rupees.

So I had to visit VFS again to submit the documents I missed in the morning. It's around 20 kms from home so I took the bike in the next trip. Got stopped by a cop who told me that I hadn't installed the the high-security number plate on my motorcycle, for which I'd be challaned. GREAT! 2,000/- rupees only! The policeman talked random stuff, all of which was meant to imply that I could bribe him and avoid the ticket. What he talked about, I'd skip (although it sure was fun) but I ended up handing him a 500 rupee note, which he asked me to place in his challan-booklet. He was nice (wasn't he), he told me that if someone  else were to stop me I was to tell them that I've got my bike inspected at Naka number 4 and it has been passed. Voila! it was a code language that meant that all the policemen I'd come across again would know that the money has been paid and they'd let me go. Cool! Anyway, I got the form for the high-security number plate and will apply for it tomorrow. I guess high-security implies that you'll be safe and secure from the traffic policemen. Well at least these guys are not the goons like the Delhi police.

Anyway then on the way back at night, I stopped at a dhaba, curious about their shahi paneer. I love dhaba paranthas and expected moderately good shahi paneer. The fellow took a half cut capsicum, an onion, quarter of a cabbage and sliced em all up, added them to his kadahi, added a few pieces of paneer and tossed everything around in the high power dhaba flames :)  He then took the pan around, opened a big bowl added some curry from it, took it to another part of the dhaba, added another curry to it, cooked the damn thing and although I wasn't so happy about the ingredients at first, by now my mouth was watering from the aroma. He then added some cheap chilli sauce to it (ultra cheap I must say), then added some ultra cheap ketchup (I shouted, "hey go easy on that"), then added some other weird things and scooped it all out and packed it. When we ate the dish, I was disappointed. Hey but I got a lot done today so no problem. Tomorrow, here I come.

नासमझ

  हम समझ न पाए इन दोस्तों को, रिश्तेदारों को, इन पढ़ोसियो को, किराएदारों को, सामाज के पेहेरेदारों को। बड़े ख़्वाब देखें जी हमारे लिये कुछ लोगों ने, हम ठहरे निक्कमें, ज़िंदग़ी की लहरों में बहते चले गए, न तैरने का चाह रही, न डूबने की हिम्मत। हुनरमंद तो जी हम भी थे, पर हमारे हुनर हमारे साथ हमारी जेबों में ठसे बह रहे हैं इन लहरों में। दरअसल हमें बचपन में ही जता दिया गया था कि बेटा निखट्टू, तुमसे कुछ ना हो पाई। पर जी ऐसा है कि हमने कभी ज़ाहिर यह नहीं होने दिया कि हम तो अपनी दुनियाँ में ख़ुश हैं।

  हमारी दुनिया है अजीब, क़ुदरत के बाशिंदों हैं हमारे दिल के बहुत क़रीब, पेड़ पौधे, जीव जंतू, इन सब से है हमें प्यार।  हसींन नज़ारों और सुर संगीत पर भी हैं हम न्योछार। डरते हैं तो सिर्फ़ इंसानों से और इंसानों की नक़ली दुनिया से। और इस ख़ौफ़ पे क़ाबू पामे में लगे हैं। नास्तिक से आस्तिक हो चले हैं, सोचते है कि शायद उस परवरदिगार की बदौलत ज़िन्दा हैं, नहीं तो हम में ऐसी दुनियाँ में जी जाने का हुनर तो है नही, रुतबा तो दूर की बात है। बस एक ज़िद्द है, अब एक ज़िन्दगी जो हमारी मर्ज़ी के बिना हमें स़ौंप ही दी गई है, इसे जियेंगे तो अपने हिसाब से, अरे साहिब, हमारा हिसाब सीधा साधा है हमारी तरह, बहते रहो, तैरने में इतने मश्रूफ न हो जाओ कि यह देख ही न पाओ कि ज़िदग़ी दरअसल ख़ूबसूरत है। मेरे भाई, यह ज़रा दूसरों को पछाड़ने की जद्दोजहद में और अपने आप को महान सिद्ध करने की ज़बरदस्त कोशिशों से यह हसींन वादियों में गंदगी फैल रही है, क़ुदरत का विनाश हो रहा है, इस सुंदरता को बक्श दो। हम जैसे निखट्टुओं के नज़ारे ख़राब न करो।

  बन जाओ तुम नः १ हर चीज़ में, इम्तिहान में हो जाओ तुम टौपर, ख़ूब पैसा कमाओ, फिर उस दौड़ में ज़िंदगी भर भागते चले जाओ, चूसो ग़रीबों का ख़ून और और भी अमीर होते जाओ। पर तुम्हारी दुआ में कभी शुक्रग़ुज़ारी नहीं सुनी, सुना तो सिर्फ़ स्वार्थ। यार ख़ुदा पर विश्वास भी करते हो और निडर हो कर उसकी क़ुदरत की बेअदबी भी करते हो? दरअसल अमीर होने के बावजूद, हो तुम भिख़ारी।

  ऐसे लोगों की बनाइ इस दुनियाँ का हिस्सेदार मैं तो न हो पाऊँगा। मास्टर जी  ऐसा नहीं
है कि हमसे हो न पाएगा, ऐसा है कि हम करेंगे नहीं, क्यूँकि, हमारे मुताबिक़ ज़िन्दगी में करने को ऐसी चीज़ें भी हैं जो सही मायनों में अच्छी है।

Improvement

You know I really must shun this habit of being negative and sarcastic, seems like I was friggin born like that. Anyway, now that I know, I can at least improve upon some bad habits.

Sunder Munderiye

  This perhaps has been one of the most captivating articles I've read (http://scroll.in/article/801803/lohri-legends-the-tale-of-abdullah-khan-dullah-bhatti-the-punjabi-who-led-a-revolt-against-akbar)

  The Lohri song Sunder Munderiye that people in Punjab sing with such zest and happiness is a song about Rai Abdullah Khan Bhatti (AKA Dullah Bhatti) who was a Muslim Rajput Bhatti, who lived his life fiercely revolting against the Mughals, and was ultimately even executed by them.  History is complicated but Punjabi pop numbers aren't, apparently they've recently made a song about Dullah Bhatti portraying him as a Sikh. Nothing wrong with portraying him as Sikh if he really was but he was Muslim! 

 In today's world we are trained to see things in black and white  and side with an opinion (even if it means deliberately hiding the blacks and hyping the whites of the opinions we side with). I know of many people who generally hate Muslims in general but celebrate Lohri with great fervour and possibly do not know who Dullah Bhatti was. Like I said history is complex, to tell someone today that the hero they're singing about was a Muslim, Rajput and a Bhatti will perplex anyone (for according to us today that appears to be an admixture of 3 different religions. So maybe those times were more complex, yet simpler (i.e. You could be a Rajput, a Muslim and a Bhatti at the same time...apparently Bhatti is derived from the name of a place, now in Pakistan).

  Anyway, I feel sad for Dullah Bhatti, he's no more than a popular folk song that people don't know about. The article also mentions that since Pakistanis feel a deep kinship towards the Mughals (for the same reasons that many Indians dislike them; which again is sad for the Mughals), they don't really talk much about Dullah Bhatti, who although a Muslim, was against the Mughals. So basically nobody really knows him much. Well apparently Lohri is celebrated in the memory of his generosity for the poor.

बेचैनी

   मौत का ख़ौफ़ शायद इकलौता ऐसा ख़ौफ़ है जो न तो झुठलाया जा सकता है, न टाला जा सकता है। हर रात, अपने प्रिय परिजनों के ग़ुज़र जाने के ख़यालों से मैं बेचैन हो उठता हूँ। कभी यह भी ख़याल आता है कि अगर कल को मैं चल बसु तो जिन्हें पीछे छोड़ जाउंगा, उन्के जीवन किस तरह बदल जाएँगे। आज कार में जाते हुए, एक क्षण में एक हादसा देखा, एक स्कूटर चालक महिला का पैर चलते ट्रैक्टर के बड़े पहिये के नीचे आ गया। आधे सैकि्ड में जो मैंने यह देखा और उस औरत की चीख़ सुनी, मैं सकपका सा गया। ट्रैफ़िक बहुत था और मैं रुक न पाया और आगे निकल गया। रियर-व्यू शीशे मैं देखा कि कुछ खलबली मंच चुकी थी। मैं दुखद पुरानी यादों में खो गया। बाक़ी का रास्ते मैं सुनन सा पड़ गया। सोच रहा था कि वो औरत कितने दर्द में होगी....और फिर कुछ और भी याद आ गया।

   पापा का वह ऐक्सीडेंट मांनो फिर से मेरी आँखो के सामने मँडराने लगा। हर बार वो बेबसी के पल याद आते है जब मैं पापा औप्रेशन थियेटर के बाहर स्ट्रैचर पर लहु-लुहान पड़े अपनी बारी का इंतज़ार कर रहे थे और मैं उन्के सिरहाने पर सिर रख कर आँखें बंद कर यह दुआ कर रहा था कि या रब्ब, काश कि यह सब एक बुरा सप्ना हो। बहुत देर आपाँ संभाला और फिर आँसू रोक न पाया, उसी वख्त पापा का हाथ मेरे सिर को सहलाने लगा। मैं हैरान था कि वह होश में थे, क्यूँकि वह कुछ घँटों से ज़रा भी हिले नहीं थे, बस साँस चल रही थी। ख़ैर, वह मेरे सिर को ऐसे सहलाने लगे जैसे बचपन में सहलाते थे; उनके हाँथ ज़रा भारी हैं, मेरे हाँथों से काफ़ी भारी। पता नहीं क्यूँ, वह पल मेरे दिल के सबसे क़रीब है। इस वारदात को क़रीब आठ साल बीत गए। पापा आठ साल और बुज़ुर्गी में बढ़ गए है। वह मेरे छः महीने के बेटे, अपने पोते, से बहुत प्यार करते हैं, इतना प्यार कभी मेरे लिये ज़ाहिर नहीं किया, कभी कभी मुझे इस बात से हैरानी, या कहो कि जलन होती है।
   हम बाप बेटे किस दौड़ भाग में फँसे रहे और साथ रह कर भी अजनबी बने रहे। या रब्बा, इन ज़ख़्मों को भर और इस ख़ौफ़ से निजात दिल्वा....कहीं अपने सच में अपना मानने से पहले न ग़ुज़र जाएँ, या वो रह जाएँ और हम ग़ुज़र जाएँ।

"हमें आज़माइश मे न पढ़ने दे, बल्कि बुराइ से बचा
क्युंकि बादशाहत, क़ुदरत और जलाल, अबद तक तेरे हैं।"

IF

Fortunately I have a job
Unfortunately it requires me to travel extensively in planes and stay away from family
Unfortunately I'm someone who's watched too many episodes of aircrash investigation
This is extremely silly but sitting alone in this house in Dwarka, I wonder where life is headed...but I just pray about it and trust God that he's directing it well.

For all the miseries that we're facing in this growth, I remember a line by Joyce Meyer that said something like:
Sometimes we want God to change somethings for us but we find that he's  put us in situations to change somethings within us."

And so I think that with these hardships it's time to change something within me. I know this too shall pass and in three weeks time, I'll get to be with my wife and child and our dog in our home in Delhi

But
IF something were to go wrong and I'm no longer there
Please be strong and take deep breaths
Please take care of our child
Please stay in touch with didi and my parents
I love you a lot
I want you to be happy and sane
Again, I love you...
And please move on in life

Nothing's gonna happen I know but just in case...IF
I dunno why these thoughts are coming to my mind
It's not the first time but then I thought what if it is the last...

Man! it's so disconcerting...guess I'll just get back to working on the presentation in Bangalore on Monday.