IF

Fortunately I have a job
Unfortunately it requires me to travel extensively in planes and stay away from family
Unfortunately I'm someone who's watched too many episodes of aircrash investigation
This is extremely silly but sitting alone in this house in Dwarka, I wonder where life is headed...but I just pray about it and trust God that he's directing it well.

For all the miseries that we're facing in this growth, I remember a line by Joyce Meyer that said something like:
Sometimes we want God to change somethings for us but we find that he's  put us in situations to change somethings within us."

And so I think that with these hardships it's time to change something within me. I know this too shall pass and in three weeks time, I'll get to be with my wife and child and our dog in our home in Delhi

But
IF something were to go wrong and I'm no longer there
Please be strong and take deep breaths
Please take care of our child
Please stay in touch with didi and my parents
I love you a lot
I want you to be happy and sane
Again, I love you...
And please move on in life

Nothing's gonna happen I know but just in case...IF
I dunno why these thoughts are coming to my mind
It's not the first time but then I thought what if it is the last...

Man! it's so disconcerting...guess I'll just get back to working on the presentation in Bangalore on Monday.

Science

Found in my inbox when I worked as a Research Associate. This was a letter from the PI to all the PhD students, research associates and research assistants working in the group. I've just pasted this verbatim.

Dear Collegues
Today I was just analysing progress of our group and future of students in my  group. I feel number of hours students are giving to research has decreased over the years. Number of students are not working in off-hours or in holidays. Some students feel if PhD guide  is liberal and not forcing us to work in Saturdays or Sundays why should we work in off-hours. This is surprising that world-wide competition is increasing over the years and still we feel we will only work if some one will force us to work. Please understand you are not working for any one, you are working for your own carrier. I do not know how you people will survive in this competitive world. I have no problem if you are happy with your performance, It is important for you pepole to think whether you are giving enough time for research. This is important for each individual to think about their carrier (sic) before it become too late. In my view research profession is more time demanding than any other profession, if you a
re not comfortable with this profession than think about alternate profession.

This is a general email not applicable for all students, some of them are already giving more than there 100% time.  I have no complain from any one including those who are not giving enough time for research. I am happy with overall progress of group as well as I am grateful to my students for their contribution. I am concerned about your future.  I wish all the best for all group members.       

With best wishes & regards

Unveling more mysteries

 Perhaps not many students of science in India have heard of George R Price, the die-hard atheist scientist (population geneticist) who published in journals like Nature and Science...the only Nature paper that does not have a single reference...and yet his findings led him to believe in God. However, the scientist in him, died with him, when he ultimately committed suicide out of the frustration of being unable to prove his theory right or wrong.

Perhaps the more positive story is that of  C. S Lewis, the author of The Chronicles of Narnia, who was another die-hard atheist that ended up believing in God.

I'm neither Price nor Lewis but I have my reasons. I'm possibly still agnostic. My agnosticism may however be closer to Jesusism. Despite all the Christianity-bashing around the world, Jesus always has fascinated me (unlike many—though not all—Christians I've come in contact with).
  After watching the series Ancient Aliens that talks about all the Gods/Goddesses of all religions, including Jesus, as having links to alien life, I shy away even further from topics of Divinity. Should I laugh at the series Ancient Aliens? Well sometimes I do giggle watching it but then my years in science also make me respect the fact that there still are many relics of the past that are completely unexplained to this day. So for just that reason, I mock not, for some day, we will know how all that happened. Therein comes the element of uncertainty and mystery that I did not respect earlier.

  As a soon-to-be father, I'm fascinated at the complex mechanics of development and birth across the whole living system. I love the fact that science strives to know about the enormous complexity of how these things happen. Yet the more we know, the more there is to know further. Despite the fact that science is in love with mystery with the possibly the sole purpose of solving it, there are mysteries in a person's life that aren't solvable by a scientific formulae. Although studies are and have been conducted in every possible area of psychology, I'm unsure if living ones life totally using that knowledge it keep a person sane. So I don't quite militate against uncertainty. I came across a quote recently and loved it:

“Embrace relational uncertainty. It's called romance. Embrace spiritual uncertainty. It's called mystery. Embrace occupational uncertainty. It's called destiny. Embrace emotional uncertainty. It's called joy. Embrace intellectual uncertainty. It's called revelation.”
― Mark Batterson 

  The sarcastic/sceptic side of me feels like blasting the quote and make it sound like a joke but the other side finds a reassuring calmness in it. I've begun to realize that we needn't necessarily live in the pretence of omniscience and laugh at everything to be happy. I found a comment by someone named Robin Percival, on a very interesting post  in The Guardian, and I kinda empathize with people like that. He (or she) wrote:

"...For us the Christian story is the one told in the New Testament. It tells of Jesus as an outcast who lived and worked with other outcasts and who ultimately paid with his life because he challenged the rich and powerful of his time, including the religious leaders. Allegory or not, it is still challenging stuff for those willing to listen."

That's the Jesus, the iconoclast, that fascinates me.

These 4 walls

I'm gonna leave these 4 walls soon. When I came here I was 11 years old and so short that I couldn't see myself in the bathroom mirror that was placed a bit high. I had to jump to see my face for that fraction of a second that I was high enough, then comb my hair after landing and then jump up again to see if I got it right (and the process went on till my hair were combed). At 35 I'm hardly left with any hair on my head. It's been a long time. 24 years ago I entered this place and made this room mine. I cleared the table, dusted the room, rolled out the folding bed and christened it my Den. I'm the only one left in the neighbourhood from those days.
 Within these 4 walls I grew and matured. It's time to leave and I've never felt so nostalgic about anything ever the way I feel for this room and even this home. Fare thee well my room in my father's home, I'll never return and stay like I stay here now. I leave with my partner with a wish to make my own home someday and have place for my parents too.
I came, I changed and I changed you; you'll be in my heart. You'll probably not belong to our family forever but thank you for sheltering us all these years, this broken family that still hangs to each other by unbreakable chords of love. Last but not least thank you God everything we have; give me strength to learn, love and forgive.

Charlie Charlie

Found a few interesting links to the alternative thoughts on Charlie Hebdo (thanks to FB):

www.hoodedutilitarian.com/2015/01/in-the-wake-of-charlie-hebdo-free-speech-does-not-mean-freedom-from-criticism/

http://www.hoodedutilitarian.com/2012/10/subversion-satire-and-shut-the-fuck-up-deflection-and-lazy-thinking-in-comics-criticism-2/

http://www.hoodedutilitarian.com/2015/01/in-the-wake-of-charlie-hebdo-free-speech-does-not-mean-freedom-from-criticism/

Provoked

   I have begun to realise that there is no free speech in the world. Or if you really want to speak up something thAt may be contrary to what's in fashion, you'll probably need a strong platform to say it else you'll simple get booed away.

Je suis Charlie became a fashionable post on many a friend's Facebook.

   Today while watching Al Jazeera news channel I was surprised to hear other voices and that too from non-Muslims about why the world wasn't acknowledging that the post-shoot out edition of Charlie Hebdo (CH) showing prophet Mohammed as a hooked nose Arab was actually racist. Those words from the lady journalist did challenge my thoughts. Why didn't I think of that? I'm sensitive  to these things. Well! Why didn't the CH fans think about it? Is CH also bigoted, like it's attackers were?

 

   It was quote evident that the massive gathering in Paris, aiming to show solidarity after the killing of Hebdo's cartoonists, ended more as a revelry than a somber time of introspection. What was also condemned was that some of the world leaders participating in the march would never allow freedom of expression to the likes of Charlie Hebdo and possibly even take punitive actions against such a magazine in their own country.

   Anshuman Mondal a reader at a British university has written the book, Islam and Controversy and from his interview I gathered that he possibly intends to expose that bashing Islam has become fashionable, and that if you don't do it, in the non-Muslim world, people consider you to be abnormal. So many people are being criticised for criticising CH's cartoon. Well, if you try to gag those mouths or criticise them, you stand convicted of gagging the freedom of expression yourself, don't you.

   And sorry Mr. Pope, CH has the right to make fun of Mohammed and Jesus. But then the rest of the world is also free to assess and critique CH's work. So if the world should be gag-free, it should not be gagged to reveal CH's shortcomings as well. And btw so many people were waiting for this pope to finally say something that they can criticise him about and he has obliged. But hey, wouldn't a heart, a moulvi, rabbi or pundit have done the same (don't they?)

   I love free speech, free thoughts, free world etc etc but is any of it really free? I think you have to pay for everything in some way or another. I think free speech should be practiced in a world that practices introspection and allows discussion and debate between differing ideologies, and yet has the good sense to coexist peacefully. But what the fuck, we have to entertain ourselves watching all this defecation of ideologies on TV and in our homes. Hey I'm switching over to Cartoon Network before it gets corrupted as well.

Something To Believe In

BON JOVI LYRICS

"Something To Believe In"

I lost all faith in my God, in his religion too
I told the angels they could sing their songs to someone new
I lost all trust in my friends
I watched my heart turn to stone
I thought that I was left to walk this wicked world alone

Tonight I'll dust myself off
Tonight I'll suck my gut in
I'll face the night and I'll pretend
I got something to believe in

And I had lost touch with reason
I watched life criticize the truth
Been waiting for a miracle
I know you have too

Though I know I won't win
I'll take this one on the chin
We'll raise a toast and I'll pretend
I got something to believe in

If I don't believe in Jesus, how can I believe the Pope
If I don't believe in heroin, how can I believe in dope
If there's nothing but survival, how can I believe in sin
In a world that gives you nothing
We need something to believe in

So ill-understood

 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kjRkDo21pZY

Aarzu humne, ki to hum paaye.. (when I wished for something, I found out...OR when my wishes began to come true, I found out that...)

Raushani saath, layi thi saaye...  (...light had brought with it, shadows...)

Saaye gehere the; raushani halki.. (...shadows were dark; the light feeble...)

Hum na samjhe the, baat itni si   (...I had never understood, such a simple thing..)

Khwaab sheeshe ke; dunia patthar ki (..dreams are made of glass; this world, of stone)

When Gardish (translates roughly to "testing times") was released in the early 1990s, I fell in love with the song "hum na samjhe the" (link given above), from which the above mentioned excerpt is taken. Of course I was a very pessimistic kid who loved being alone mostly, so I had a natural liking for sad songs. I mean c'mon man, I loved "lagi aaj saawan ki fir woh jhhadi hai" from the movie Chandani. Thinking back, I find it very strange that I actually played and rewound the song innumerable times on my small tape-recorder to write the lyrics of the song.  It was hard work but I did it for many a song, English and Hindi, since I was 8 or 9 years old.  I hated home-work and always got humiliated by my teachers but for other stuff like listening to music, writing lyrics, scraping the paint off my bicycle and messing it up by painting it myself and lots of other fun stuff, I had all the time in the world.

Anyway, I digressed as usual. I loved the song I've mentioned here. It had just the right mix of SP Balasubramanian's voice, sad lyrics/music, Jackie Shroff's and Amrish Puri's fantastic acting to get me hooked. The video of the song could've been a standalone music video, for it does seem to convey something to the listener. 

Watching it still brings a tear to my eye. Something about the unsaid relation of a father and son. A father's proud dream, a son's love and then, the big crash of it all. The son growing up, differing in his opinions, attempting to find his own path, the constant failures; a disappointed father and the lost son. Then there are a few moments when their eyes meet, saying millions of unsaid things in the silence and then...them walking away from each other wishing that the other guy would understand. The movie is also kinda on the same line, I haven't watched it but read it's story. But then again, this song is a story in itself. I still love it.

North East west south

Biggest news is that Nunu n I saw it for the first time on a sonograph (is that a word?). What a moment it was. I could hardly believe my eyes. The first thing I felt was "stupid" because this was the reAl deal. This was no chapter in a refresher course-book for developmental biology. I felt like an alien myself. Time to pray.

Rift of the moment

Was watching this documentary on Discovery Channel about the Rift Valley. A  French scientist studying the area said this....

B

loody hell... I started writing this post while watching the program on Discovery Channel the other day but couldn't finish it. Now I don't remember what was running through my mind. That's what happens when you don't hook that ephemeral thought being experienced while you're in the moment of something. Oh it was a beautiful thought... It was like  Cartier-Bresson's "decisive moment", which is fleeting and if you can't catch it in that very second of time, you need to let it be and start looking at the next one. I tell you, photography can teach one a lot about writing and life. 

Sigh! 

NEXT!

NY mean New Year

NY (NEW YEAR)

Watching Cosmos by NDT on NGC. I just learnt that NASA's voyager moves at 54,000 km per hour but even at that speed it'll take it 80,000 years to reach Proxima Centauri, the nearest star to the Sun.

What's the big din about this New Year. After all what is a year? If I consider what it really is in terms of the scale of time, it is the time the Earth takes to complete one revolution around the sun while moving at a speed of 1,08,000 km per hour! Therefore it covers a distance of 15,00,00,000 km every year!
The Sun itself is moving in the Milky Way galaxy at a speed of 7,00,000 km/hr and Milky Way itself is moving in the universe at a speed of 25,00,000 km/hr. So you can well imagine how fast, we on Earth, are actually moving through the universe and yet nothing in our lives seem to match the scale of our movement through the universe...or does it? Think!

So why is the New Year so special to us humans? Each one of us alive has moved that bit closer to our death, while hitching this high-speed ride through the universe. What a weird way to look at life, even if that's the reality of it all. Yet there's more to it. There's happiness, sadness, success, failures, living, loving and looking forward to life, not death, which we anyway have to accept humbly. After all even the the great conqueror Alexander realized at his death bed that we were all born naked and helpless and so we die. 

Today we prayed and poured our hearts out. Prayed for us, our families, our friends. We prayed for people we love and for those that aren't so dear. While praying, their joys and pains were made clear to us effortlessly, which was surprising. We prayed for those we don't know, yet know that many live their lives in difficult deplorable conditions. For once we rested in the assurance that that, which/who drives us through this universe at such ultra-stormy speed, without us sensing it, may hear our tiny supplications about the miniscule fraction of reality, our world, that means so much to us, no matter how insignificant it may be on the cosmic scale.

And so we set out on the same cyclic path of physical travel around the Sun that we've took last year and have done since the time we were born and yet our lives are hardly cyclic, we change everyday on this path around the Sun, till the time we return to dust. And that is why it's a New Year, despite being the same road. Happy New Year