MI(L)D LIFE

Bouncing between Jesus, Ram, Buddha, and a handful of mortal demons, my eyes, once welded shut, have only just begun to open. It started with Jordan Peterson, Dave Ramsey, and Ravi Zacharias (well, at least his words contributed). The time I spent listening to these people in 2018-19 was pivotal. Then came Ramani Durvasula, Joe Rogan, and more recently, Gabor Maté, Steven Bartlett, and Tom Bilyeu. The next big breakthrough for me came through Tim Fletcher; it really shook things up. It's a numbing realization that I’ve died a billion times before. Starting my 44th year not drinking, with a big paunch, on a decent career path but completely empty inside, I’ve come to accept that one day this will all end, and the wheels of the world will keep churning. Haunted by esoteric nightmares I attempt to interpret, irked by the unshared fears of those responsible for my existence, exasperated at my inability to touch anyone's soul—not even my own—I know one day it’ll all come to an end. Perhaps just before it does, there’ll be an epiphany, and the unknown and unknowable will reveal itself. For stepping into the 45th, it's intermittent fasting, skipping rope/squats, swimming, hangs/pullups and occasional light resistance training. For now, it’s about reveling in the renewed strength. For now, it's about feeling upbeat in some moments and continuing to dance nonchalantly even when I'm deadbeat—it's still a beat. For now, it's about letting the subconscious resurface on the rare occasion and staring into the mirror it shows me. For now, it's about conversing with those I haven’t seen or spoken to in ages without them hearing or seeing me; for now, it's about touching someone without them sensing it. For now, it’s about waking up to epiphanies and endeavoring to trace the truth as shadows gradually merge into one another. For now, it’s about taking one on the chin like a man. For now, it’s about delivering the pain back to you with no malice. One day, it'll all make perfect sense; for now, let’s play, mate—show me what you got!