I walked on…

8th February 2007

Today was the first day after 24th December 2006 that I felt alright. It’s sad that at times we hand over the reins of life to someone (sometimes without them asking us to do so.) When he/she’s gone, we grope around in the dark to have him/her back and its worse when we find out that the person’s gone and so are the reins that we so willingly handed over to them. It’s tough to keep a happy face jump around and try to mix up with more people than you normally do, just to get over the thought of somebody. But why does this happen in the first place?
Maybe it’s the pheromones making a fool of you.
Once you’re out of it (like I am now) you say, “Man! What was I thinking?” Well now that I’ve been there and done that, I’ve resolved to not let it happen again. Today is the first day that I’m able to think normally about it and forgive myself for getting into such a situation in the first place. If people have certain notions about themselves in their mind and are hell-bent to prove it to the world, they have a serious issue. In time we all figure out how we wanna live our lives. You might suck and still say “hey! No one can sue me for that.”…no sir I can’t and I’ve learnt that it’s none of my business.
Also I’ve resolved to keep my pheromones under tight security and scrutiny now. All this really blinds your perception of the world; the bliss of it all is “maddening”.

Anyway with this not-so-brief introduction (that happens to be rather unrelated to the rest of the body of this post), I shall proceed with writing about the events that occurred late in the evening today (8th Feb 2007). I’ve been doing some free hand exercises lately; when I felt that my triceps were too stiff to be exercised anymore, I thought of going out for a walk. It was cool and breezy; I started off feeling rather high (owing to the muck that I just washed off me). Hardly had a I walked a few paces, I saw two figures walking some distance ahead of me on the faintly lit street, they were holding hands and talking rather loudly. As I neared them I got little confused as they both seemed to talking at the same time; it didn’t seem like they were having a conversation with each other…”who else were they talking to? Was some ghost friends accompanying them??” I thought. On crossing them, I noticed the blue tooth ear phones on their ears; they were both on the phone. What a sight! Holding each others hands yet busy in their own different worlds. I decided to observe them for sometime and see how long they would talk on the phone; after 15 minutes, I went my way as they had no intention of letting the blue tooth rest…at least they were holding hands. This act of holding hands means a lot to me. In retrospect, there have been times when I’ve locked lips with some ladies but never held their hands and vice versa. I must say the one’s I deeply felt for were the ones whose hands I held…though there was a mild regret about not kissing a few of them. Thankfully I don’t plan to do either for a long time to come. Anyway I looked back at the couple once (rather just their held hands) and walked on. What a small act, yet it says “you’re special and I’m there for you, no matter what.”
Next stopà marriage party at the community centre. In the multitude of many beautiful and not-so-beautiful creatures, there was one that caught my attention, the mare. It was wearing an embellished head-gear with a not-particularly light-weight bridegroom on its back. While its owner led it through the maddening crowd, its unsure, hesitant steps gave away its real feelings. Its head was stooping and once in a while, it would try to jerk away from the people who were moving in too close (to her nose and eyes). The loud cacophony generated by the band players must have caused her to lose her faculty of hearing a long time back. If there was one creature there that positively didn’t want to be there, it was the mare; it would only get to eat the dry husk at the end of all this torture. I suppose it’d worked the whole day pulling cart loads already; poor girl. I walked on; I looked around to find my mad man, he wasn’t there; “he’s probably foraging”, I presumed “or maybe looking for a less noisy place to sleep.”
I walked on; the shopkeepers were calling it a day. Then there were two girls (maybe college going) standing in the park’s parking under a street lamp. I’d noticed them as one of them seemed to be intensely involved in counseling the other about something, “Stop doing this to yourself!!” I heard her say loudly to her friend and then hush up on realizing that she was too loud.
Then a couple of boys in their early teens crossed me, discussing loudly about parts of the female morphology, they didn’t really care that people could hear them; it reminded me of my old days.
Then a car dashed by with some young men inside trying to find the limits of the vehicle; it reminded me of the old days.
On reaching sector46 market, I turned back towards home. Two guys raced past me, they were howling and yodeling loudly; it reminded me of the good old days.
Then in the market place that was almost completely closed, I saw a man sitting in his car with a bottle of beer from which he would drink every now and then, all the while staring blankly into oblivion; that reminded me of…nothing…I’ve never been in such a situation…maybe worse ones.
I crossed the community centre, the baraat was still in frenzy and the bridegroom was still seated on the not-so-royal steed; poor animal. On reaching the park I saw the two girls I’d seen before still standing and talking, when I crossed them I looked at the one facing me and she smiled; what a sweet smile. I smiled back and walked on.
Most of the women that I’ve come across feel a kind of a responsibility on their part to spread the gloom into the lives of the men they are acquainted to. The reasons could be many but for the paucity of your time, I’ll forgo the details. Pardon me for digressing, it always feels good to smile at others and receive it. So if you’re reading this, I’m smiling at you right now, please smile back and take my word, that’s your best expression.

I took a detour towards the less traveled road. I gazed into the darkness around me and realized that the place was very lonely indeed. Like a constrictor traps and squeezes the life out of its prey, thoughts pulled me back to the time when I was walking with her, discussion silly little things, whiling away time like we owned it, the time when I was living in a mirage; the time when I was happy. Its strange how attached we get to someone even after knowing so little about them (or maybe we try to overlook their short comings all the time). I’ll never be able to explain to her what I felt for her and why (though, it would be easy to explain the “why”.)

I got lost in thoughts…then these thoughts spat me out into the real world; it was dark, cold, and breezy and I was alone. I looked around me left and right; there was not a single soul in sight.
I wished for a miracle à that I’d see you coming towards me as I turned around.
I turned around, you weren’t there…I turned around again, you weren’t there. Sanity started to move away slowly. I jerked my head and tried to bring myself back into reality; she’s dead, she can not come back…I must move on. I turned around for the last time and with my eyes shut but turned back again without opening them.
God’s just putting me to test; he won’t test me beyond my capacity. Maybe I’m unaware of my own capacity.
I said a little prayer, I asked Him for strength and courage. At least He’s never let me down. I’ve let Him down a million times but He’s never paid back in the same coin. “He loves me” I said, “He loves me selflessly; I’d do this for Him.”

I was alone but no longer was I lonely. I turned back and headed home.
I walked on.