Wednesday, November 06, 2013

string theory of my life

Life's moving on so fast it's getting hard to get a grip on it. No time for antipathy, apathy, empathy or sympathy. Methinks marriage's finally falling back on track but there's some invisible queerness to it that still gnawing at me. Hoping that it'll all get fine with time, like most of it already has. I guess I living in days that come after so much turmoil that even subnormal life replete with boredom seem like happy days.
I joined Toastmasters a month ago. I gave my ice-breaker the weekend before and was the toastmaster last weekend. Think I may have something to learn here. Wife's folks came over last night for the first time. All went well.
I'm realizing that day-to-day interactions with each and every person around you, are more complicated than they appear. I'm not that complicated a person at all therefore not particularly interested in such complications. I've stopped giving a fuck anymore, coz honestly nobody does and they all pretend to. Your life is an interaction with people constantly playing out a scripted act (some aware of it, others not). I feel like I'm alone out here with millions of people around me, each with millions of pseudopodia, constantly feeling me on every inch of my skin. Every time I react, a pseudopodia registers and consequently the whole arrangement of people around me shifts a bit; some get close, others move away but still maintain touch, whether in anger, speech or silence. I hate this sensation but it's too real now and I'm fairly sure that this is a enlightenment. At first I thought it was just a figment of my imagination, then I tested it on people around me and now I'm fairly sure of this. This is the way the world works I guess. I will not stop believing it till it is proved otherwise.
I have two options now, either to renounce everything and quietly slip away from everyone to be alone with myself or to become a leader. I'm fairly sure I'm not cut out for the latter, the society around me shaped me to be a hermit, not a hero. The society accepts me only as a hermit. I'm comfortable being a hermit, I like being a hermit but if I must live in the society but now I know too much to go back to ignorance. If I don't have the option to renounce it all and walk away, I guess I have to choice but to lead. But I have no leadership qualities and I don't fancy gaining them at all. But these millions of unwanted sensations on me, sometimes pulling, sometimes pushing but always maintaining contact, in speech, sight or silence...these are way too real now. This heightened awareness of being conscious of every time I react like a hermit, like I always gnawing at me. There's no escape, these strings are sewn into me, through me and always in tension, never slack, even in inactivity. I don't want to though, I really wanna just sit under a tree is some quiet wilderness. This is all too real, too nightmarish.

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