Monday, January 16, 2012

express yourself clearly

Lately I've realized that I'm finding it difficult to express myself. There are a million thoughts trying to untangle themselves at the same time while I sit/work/sleep dazed (as if hypnotized). There's a big emotional upheaval in my head and I'm finding it more and more difficult to remain normal. A week back, my friend called up from Australia and told me that his wife committed suicide, I've not been normal since then. I feel a pressure inside my head that's killing me. Sometimes I feel I urgently require a break and some genuine TLC, at other times I feel that I'm not that weak. Its strange how somethings affect you at the subconcious level. I'm irritable, I don't want people to tell me when I'm wrong all the time and being hypercritical about everything I do or say, I need to get away from this maddening crowd. Bloody hell even my computer has been taken over by some crappy spyware, CAN I HAVE SOME FUCKING PRIVACY? I'm losing control.
I want to go away, far away, alone...where I can come to terms with the choices I've made in life, the people I've wanted to be with, people I loved, others who loved me, accept that I was unfair to some people, forgive some others for being unfair to me...I want peace...I want to rest in peace. I want control of my own life...I wish I could relive some of my childhood days...the times when I wasn't even going to school, the time when my grandmother was the only person around most of the day. I don't remember her very well, all I remember was that I used to be busy doing wierd stuff (like watching ants for hours, disassembling my toys and just watching everything with a simple curiosity). Grandma used to be busy in the kitchen most of the time but I always felt secure listening to her constant humming of old songs...I never had friends back then too, I never felt the need to have any. I wonder how days passed, months passed...years..actually more than 2 and a half decades.

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